


We only love with jagged edges.

by amelioratedays



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 10:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3647364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amelioratedays/pseuds/amelioratedays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jinyoung and Jaebum only know how to love in destructive ways--stars clashing in their fate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We only love with jagged edges.

**Author's Note:**

> JJP's astrological dynamics is the newest thing to cry to and I'm still so cry. Always unbeta-ed

It's not like no one notices the way Jaebum's cheeks hollow out and the shadows under his eyes darken. It's pretty evident that there's a certain wavering in his steps, body malnourished and void of sleep. But every time that one of them even _try_ to ask him to rest, they are met with an immediate rebuttal of "I'm fine. Let's continue." Jinyoung doesn't say anything, only giving the dejected younger members a pat on the shoulder before stepping into formation. He knows from experience that Jaebum won't listen--that the other is too stubborn and hardheaded for his own good.

 

Jinyoung also knows that _if_ and _when_ he has to say something, everything would simply spiral out of control because Im Jaebum never listens. He only shouts, loud impulsive words that taint the air with a fiery red. He doesn't have the energy (none of them have, actually) to battle through a round of broken glass and wounded pride. The entire group is simply too tired for any extra thoughts besides practice and sleep. They've been together long enough to establish rules and perimeters, where Jaebum gives him the right amount of solitude and Jinyoung has to give him enough space. And so Jinyoung represses his words. He simply waits until Jaebum reaches his epiphany--see things through and finally take the noose off of his neck.

 

Or he tries to.

 

(He sometimes forgets how Im Jaebum only lives in self-destructive ways.)  
(He also forgets that they only know how to love with jagged edges.)

 

The music blares from the speakers and Jinyoung reaches out a bit too late as Jaebum lands off centre--falling onto his side. Mark is by his side first, pulling him up and inspecting him for wounds. "I'm fine," the older male says with a grimace. It doesn't take much for Jinyoung to know that he's actually not fine, catching the slight frown and worry lines between his eyebrows. He's been observing the other's demeanour for far too long to be fooled by any facade.

 

"No, you're not." He states, walking over to stop the music. "You need to rest."

 

"I said I'm fine." Jaebum grits out, a sheen of sweat lining his forehead. There's a heavy atmosphere setting upon the dance room and the other members watch in silence. It's not like they haven't fought before--they've fought plenty. But they have never fought in front of the members, always isolating themselves before setting the world ablaze. No one needs to know the broken side of their relationship--filled with rotten words and regretful anger. He wonders why they can only care for each other in such aggressive ways--where they either steer clear of boundary lines or completely invade each other's comfort zone.

 

"We'll continue." Jaebum says, moving with an obvious limp in right leg. Jinyoung stays still, eyes closed. _Breathe in,_ he tells himself, trying to extinguish the flicker of rage of forming in his chest cavity.

 

"What are you doing?" Jaebum's voice resounds through the room.

 

 _Breathe out._ Jinyoung thinks, and he ends up fanning the flame instead. "Get out." He says, "All of you." There's a scrambling of footsteps and Jinyoung only opens his eyes when he hears the door closing. Jaebum's looking at him with an air of disbelief. "What are you doing？ You know that comeback is around the corner, you can't--"

 

"Stop." He states, "You need to stop."

 

"Stop?" Jaebum repeats, the words rolling off his tongue with distaste.

 

"Just rest, we can afford it. You aren't going to do any better in this lifeless state anyways." He tries to even out his breath, refraining from being taken over by his emotions. They've gone past that stage already, one too many fights reminding him why cold wars are better than total war. The scars on both their hearts are enough proof that they need to avoid confrontations like these. Jaebum begs to differ, scoffing as he retaliates. "Afford to rest." He mocks. "That's why you fucked up the first time around."

 

It's always like this, where Jaebum turns their conversations to "you" and "me"--it's never "we"--and he knows all the right wounds to pick at. Where the scars have never fully formed and Jinyoung is left bleeding again, crimson flowing past his venules. But Jinyoung always fights back, until they're both covered in blooming roses. He pushes back in equal fervor, spewing venom that rebound off sound-proof walls. "Well, I'm _sorry_ that I'm a talentless idol who just _happened_ to have the right name for a gimmick. But you aren't much better, and you're in the same recycling dump as I am." Jinyoung pushes Jaebum, watching him stumble backwards, anger flowing into anarchy. It's not like he doesn't know that he's lacking--that he debuted too soon, notes unsteady and voice breathless. But he also lives with pride, and no matter how close it is to the truth, he won't ever admit it.

 

The world is breaking apart and Jaebum grabs onto Jinyoung's collar--creasing the fabric with his hold. Jinyoung feels the taught fabric against his neck, forcing pressure upon his trachea. His jugular beats against the white nylon. "At least I'm trying to improve!" Jaebum shouts--voice harsh and loud, ringing through Jinyoung's eardrums. Jinyoung's eyes widen as he registers what Jaebum is saying--as if the hours he slaved over in the practice room ammounts to nothing. As if effort will never make up what he is missing in talent.

 

They're both fighting a losing battle, burning themselves and the world.

 

"And I'm caring for you!" Jinyoung interjects, pushing back with full force as Jaebum falls upon wooden floors for the second time that day. "All you think about are results and never the process. You think the entire world lives by some Machiavellian theory, but it doesn't." He yells. "What a great leader you are that you can't even logically process that your self-destructive ways are counterproductive." He mocks, hands trembling in rage. He's rambling, but Jinyoung doesn't care, "You never fucking _listen_ even when you know you're wrong. Even when you know you're walking towards the edge of the cliff, you just fucking charge ahead because it's the road _you_ chose."

 

"Why do I even bother with someone that doesn't know how to love himself?" Jinyoung states, before turning to leave the room--door closing with a heavy thud, leaving Jaebum in the aftermath of their emotions.

 

The emptiness echoes within his intracranial space as Jaebum blinks--bright spots forming in the black of his soul. He's always loving in the wrong ways, where he finds himself on one polarized border. He simply doesn't want to be let down a second time--doesn't want Jinyoung to be let down a second time. And if the reason for their downfall the first time was due to a lack of visible effort--he's simply trying to make sure they succeed this time. The studio lights flood his mind as he lies on the wooden floor--ankle sprained and heart twisted. The pride in his veins is seemingly poison--binding to receptors and inhibiting his cells.

 

The stars in their fates must be crossed--clashing and repelling--as the world orbits on.

 

Jinyoung returns home (the dorm filled with wary eyes and hushed whispers), brushing past Jackson to return to his room. He leaves the light turned off, settling down on his bed--back against the empty wall. It's always the silent darkness that embraces him after, shadows seeping into his soul to remind him how alone he is. But it is also the shadows that cover his senses so he doesn't see the sheer amount of red bleeding from his wounds. The clock ticks on and Jinyoung pulls his knees to his chest, holding himself physically together so he doesn't break. _Inhale, Exhale_ He reminds himself, failing to properly respirate when tears finally fall from his eyes. There's a hardening lump in his throat, stopping him from breathing, and he chokes back a sob.

 

Six years and Jinyoung still feels as vulnerable and immature as before--he wonders if he really hadn't grown at all these past years. (Whether he is still the same Park Jinyoung being told that he has more luck than talent.)

 

The door opens with a crack, light flooding in and Jinyoung sees Jaebum limping his way in. They're both bearing battle scars. He lifts the shadows off Jinyoung's shoulders, replacing them with his own arms as he pulls Jinyoung into his chest. The tears that fall onto his shirt scald him--burns as if it were lava--but he only holds Jinyoung closer. "I'm sorry." He whispers into Jinyoung's neck, voice shaky and hoarse.

 

Threading his fingers through Jinyoung's hair, the younger male still trembling in his hold, Jaebum places a soft kiss on his forehead. "I know I don't love myself enough," He says, voice faltering into diminuendo. "But can you still love me?"

 

The planets shift a degree in orbit--moons rotating into new phases--as they rewrite their relationship in the sand. Where the tide will eventually wipe the words away for them to re-establish their new equilibrium.

 

They aren't star crossed lovers, their stars aligned slightly off from ill-fate. The lines on their palms don't depict their doom, and Jinyoung knows this because of the way their heart lines fit into one another when their hands intertwine. But their planets fall slightly out of orbit every now and then, finding themselves on opposite ends of the galaxy. It's then that Jaebum holds Jinyoung's glass heart too tightly, wounding himself as it falls into shards. But it's also Jaebum who painstakingly pieces the shards together again, ignoring the grains of glass that embed within his skin.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that this is so meh.


End file.
